He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
