Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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