Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I pour the whiskey from now on
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
