Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
