I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize