It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
