your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
