Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
