woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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