She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
