How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm always down for nudity.
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