I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
