You really coming over, don't trick.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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