You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
