im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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