"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
