Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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