I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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