I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
