I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
