I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
