I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
