I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Pants are for mortals
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize