I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
