i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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