I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
