i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
