Your mouth is God's brothel.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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