Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
