and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
