I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
