Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
