remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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