i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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