I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
