I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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