Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
