You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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