You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
