I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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