After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
