guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
