No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
