foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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