Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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