I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
