Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize