my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
