im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
