There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
