I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
