As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
