Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
