i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
