lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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