I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
