I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
organizing the empties. That sober.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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