Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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