dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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