true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
