wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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