At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
im on a boat
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