My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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