Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
