I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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